Sorry, it's been so long since I've updated my blog..
It's been a tough two months. The hardest part is admitting how fat I've become. Why is it when you decide to blog about something and promise to lose weight, the very OPPOSITE is what actually happens!?!
I don't want to make excuses, I just know that I've been miserable at work and completely stressed out, and have gained 25 pounds since the beginning of this blog. The Zerona laser treatment only lasted as long as the actual treatments. I couldn't afford the $500 to continue, so obviously, the weight just came back. I still exercise at least 3 times a week, but my Nazi gym partner kind of abandoned me to my own exercise devices and my stress levels are through the roof. I was having anxiety attacks and horrible stomach problems and had to take a week off from work. That's how tough it's been. But do you want to know what really hit me and made me realize how fat I have become...
An insanely Handsome and Sexy man I met 35 pounds ago(aka: 4 months ago), called me up out of the blue and wanted to get together soon. Of course I was completely excited and happy and thrilled to hear from him again... I mean, I call this guy my Hollywood Hottie.. that's how hot he is!! Mmm, mmm, mmm...
Then, it hit me right then, this guy last saw me when I was on the verge of finally breaking the 200 pound mark.. Now I'm almost 240 pounds.. My happiness instantly turned to humiliation and sadness... I can't let this guy see me like this! I couldn't bare to hear the reason for breaking up with me or avoiding me after he sees me. I couldn't take the rejection or the look on his face when he sees how big my ass has become or my "muffin top".. it's horrible. I don't remember being this yucky when I was 250 pounds three years ago!!
You want to have a reality check with me? It's pretty gross and intimate but such a sad eye opener...
The other day, I bought new shaving razors, and decided that my bikini area was way over due for a "trim".. so I'm in the bathtub, lathering up, and I looked down and realized I couldn't see my bikini area over my disgusting blubbery lower abdominals... not too mention my always huge big boobs were getting in my way and making it hard to breathe.. SERIOUSLY!! It was so embarrassing, and I never get embarrassed! I embarrassed myself in front of only myself.
I can't remember feeling this low before when it comes to my weight and my body. I don't want to be this person. I'm 31 years old. It's not going to get easier for me. It only gets harder and harder. I wish I could afford surgery or something, because I am almost to the point of giving up trying. To lose 40 pounds just to get back to where I was 6 months ago?? I don't think I've ever been so discouraged in my life.
Well, luckily the delicious, sexy man hasn't set up an official date yet, but I know it's coming. And I don't know how long I can stall or how much I can lose in the smallest amount of time.
I need a miracle...
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