My Embarrassment...

Sorry, it's been so long since I've updated my blog..
It's been a tough two months. The hardest part is admitting how fat I've become. Why is it when you decide to blog about something and promise to lose weight, the very OPPOSITE is what actually happens!?!

I don't want to make excuses, I just know that I've been miserable at work and completely stressed out, and have gained 25 pounds since the beginning of this blog. The Zerona laser treatment only lasted as long as the actual treatments. I couldn't afford the $500 to continue, so obviously, the weight just came back. I still exercise at least 3 times a week, but my Nazi gym partner kind of abandoned me to my own exercise devices and my stress levels are through the roof. I was having anxiety attacks and horrible stomach problems and had to take a week off from work. That's how tough it's been. But do you want to know what really hit me and made me realize how fat I have become...

An insanely Handsome and Sexy man I met 35 pounds ago(aka: 4 months ago), called me up out of the blue and wanted to get together soon. Of course I was completely excited and happy and thrilled to hear from him again... I mean, I call this guy my Hollywood Hottie.. that's how hot he is!! Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Then, it hit me right then, this guy last saw me when I was on the verge of finally breaking the 200 pound mark.. Now I'm almost 240 pounds.. My happiness instantly turned to humiliation and sadness... I can't let this guy see me like this! I couldn't bare to hear the reason for breaking up with me or avoiding me after he sees me. I couldn't take the rejection or the look on his face when he sees how big my ass has become or my "muffin top".. it's horrible. I don't remember being this yucky when I was 250 pounds three years ago!!

You want to have a reality check with me? It's pretty gross and intimate but such a sad eye opener...

The other day, I bought new shaving razors, and decided that my bikini area was way over due for a "trim".. so I'm in the bathtub, lathering up, and I looked down and realized I couldn't see my bikini area over my disgusting blubbery lower abdominals... not too mention my always huge big boobs were getting in my way and making it hard to breathe.. SERIOUSLY!! It was so embarrassing, and I never get embarrassed! I embarrassed myself in front of only myself.

I can't remember feeling this low before when it comes to my weight and my body. I don't want to be this person. I'm 31 years old. It's not going to get easier for me. It only gets harder and harder. I wish I could afford surgery or something, because I am almost to the point of giving up trying. To lose 40 pounds just to get back to where I was 6 months ago?? I don't think I've ever been so discouraged in my life.

Well, luckily the delicious, sexy man hasn't set up an official date yet, but I know it's coming. And I don't know how long I can stall or how much I can lose in the smallest amount of time.

I need a miracle...

Week 1 of Zerona Experimental Laser Treatment

Well, I will admit the process is quite interesting. I have heard and have overheard a lot of patients in the clinic who are very trepidacious about being naked with only a bra and a thong on. As for me, well, I don't know if it's my youth, or my mentality or the fact that I don't know any of these nurses, but I really didn't care if I had to be butt naked to do this treatment. The nurses say that because of my lack of reservation, I'm the easiest Zerona patient so far.

And the results so far, are pretty darn good. Granted, for reasons I truly can't even remember at this point, I have only exercised twice in 5 days. But from that first morning to the morning of the third session (5th day) I was down 4.5 pounds! Not bad. And it was over a weekend when I had my father's birthday dinner. Not bad at all! That's definitely hitting my 3-4 lbs a week quota.

Tomorrow is my 4th session (8th day), and officially an entire week has gone by. I also have officially started the Lindora program, but this time in this new clinic. I figured I needed a new environment, new nurses, and a brand new experience. Also, I have signed up for only the 2 days a week visits. I just can't commit to coming into the clinic at 8am (or earlier) before work for 5 days a week. My life is too hectic and it's hard enough for me to wake up that early twice a week. Perhaps as I go on, I will be able to get into a routine, but for now, only 2 days a week.

The other two ladies from my work who also volunteered for this procedure are looking great! I don't know how much they weigh or how much they have lost so far, but I see them walking down the hall way at work and their clothes look looser/baggier... especially their pants. Shoot!! I sure hope that will be me, too!

The one thing I need to definitely focus on is my exercise. I need to be more consistent. To have only worked out twice in five days is unacceptable. And I'm trying to be accountable to myself and my conscience and this blog.

I think my second weigh-in tomorrow morning is what will really give the laser treatment creditability in my eyes. If I'm down again after only one other day of exercise, then I will believe this Zerona really does work. How much it works, well, only time will tell, and of course, everything depends on the person being treated and how dedicated and loyal to following the program and exercise and drinking a lot of water and giving up caffeine. (Yeah, you heard me, no soda and no coffee.. no wonder I'm getting headaches and peeing so much. Seriously, I drink so much water in one day, I swear to you that I'm dreaming about having to pee... and you know what THAT could lead to).

Well, let's see what happens. Marching on and keeping the dieting faith!

A Guinnea Pig

Okay, so a very, VERY interesting thing happened today. I was asked by a Regional Director from my company to participate in an experimental weight loss procedure. I just heard about this procedure yesterday from another woman at my work who is also participating. This procedure is something having to do with a laser machine, and I must admit, I am quite curious.

So, from my understanding, I go in to the "experimental clinic" and the nurses take pictures of me in my underwear and bra, you know, for the whole "before & after" comparison. I get measured all over, in many different ways (???) and then I guess the nurses choose which parts of my body they will focus (aka: experiment) on. So, after measurements, I lie down on the exam bed and I lie still on my back for about 20 minutes while a laser machine is pointed at my body and then another 20 minutes lying on my stomach.

I have been told that is is absolutely painless (thank God) and that after a three week process (approximately 9-12 sessions) the fat cells that the laser is focusing on are supposed to be melted down. Granted, this is my lame-man's understanding from other people's explanations. I have yet to go in for my first session, which is tomorrow morning. I expect to get a full detailed explanation and the expected results. The only requirements that I have been told I must do in order to participate and be considered a true specimen is that

1. I need to drink A LOT of water (no problem.. I drink a river of water a day already)

2. I need to exercise regularly (got that down.. I'm still being good and exercising on my elliptical machine at home 3-4 times a week) and

3. I need to be on the Lindora weight loss program... (Alright, I can handle that). I haven't officially started a program in a while, only because I find it very difficult for me to get to the clinic to weigh-in and have a consultation every day (Monday through Friday)... yeah, I know, excuses, excuses... But, I know that I need to be held accountable by someone other than myself.. so yes, I will start up another program.

I'm kind of excited.. I don't know what it is about trying something completely new and "experimental" but it gets my motivation going. I think my mind takes it as being a test or a competition, which for me, always gets me hyped up. I am extremely competitive, as long as it's a competition that I am interested in. And I definitely want to lose weight. All the recent photographs of me have been not so pleasant to look at. I look like a fat heffer of a woman whose boobs are so large you'd think I was lactating for and nursing a baby elephant or something! And, at this point, I will take anything I can get that will spark my motivation.

Wish me luck everyone, tomorrow is my first morning and laser session... more details to follow!

:)

Thyroid problem???

Holy Moly... I really don't know what is going on with my body the last couple weeks.
I have never felt so tired in my life, I don't think. I know getting a good, sound night sleep is super duper important to weight loss. And I've been told a billion times that exercising is supposed to help you feel energized throughout the day and help you sleep better... Well, so far, it hasn't helped me.

I have been a good girl and have been exercising 4-5 times a week, whether it be on my elliptical or an exercise dvd or working out with the nazi gym partner or even painting my ENTIRE apartment living room (which is a very deep red color which meant I had to put 3 coats of paint in order for the wall to be a solid color, NOT to mention the white base boards I had to re-paint too.. extremely exhausting work with very sore limbs and even a bit of cardio)... anyway, I've been doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and nothing is kicking in yet. I mean, I'm down two pounds, but, to be perfectly honest, it should be much more in a week and a half.

But, despite the fact the weight is being a stubborn bitch and not coming off without a fight (as usual), I have been fighting all day, everyday for the last week or two to keep my eyes open. I have absolutely no energy to do anything, and I just sit at a computer all day for my job, not very strenuous work at all, and I can't stop yawning and drooping. It's ridiculous..

I know that something is going on.. I don't know if I'm supposed to check my thyroid or something, or maybe I just need to get an insane amount of sleep one night.. but this lethargic feeling that I am going through is definitely hindering my weight loss. Yes, I exercise at least 4 times a week, but I am STRUGGLING to get through the workout. Some people at work suggest I do go to the doctor and get my thyroid checked out, it wouldn't hurt to find out, right? If my thyroid isn't an issue, than at least I can check that off my list of "what the f*** is going on?" possibilities. If there is something going on with my thyroid (and I have heard from a lot of people that thyroid issues do hinder energy levels and weight loss dramatically and characteristically) then maybe this is the answer that I have been missing this whole time...

Hmmm, I don't even know what to hope for...

A New Year, A Renewed Resolution!

I know, I know, it's been months since I've posted anything. And I truly am sorry, mostly to myself for being such a big butt head (pun intended). It's been difficult finding the motivation to blog when I'm so freakin' busy and miserable at work. The thought of staring in front of a computer screen, even for 30 more minutes seems like torture most days. However, I have not abandoned you, my few but mighty followers.

It's 2011, a brand-spankin' new year. And as most people do, the top of the new year's resolution charts is always lose weight! And, of course, that is also my resolution. It's been my resolution for over 15 years, as is most of us. Well, I haven't given up.

One thing I have realized that distinguishes between a Resolution and a Wish is that Resolutions are goals that can be accomplished because you have absolute control in reaching it. A Wish (or hope, prayer,etc...) is something that you only have a certain amount of control over, the rest is up to God/Fate/Destiny/Luck... well, I don't know about you, but not being in the driver's seat makes me quite uncomfortable and apprehensive. Of course, there are things in life that no matter how hard or how much you want it, it's out of your hands... and, those dreams/wishes/hopes/prayers may or may not come true. However, a resolution is absolutely something that can come true! Because I have total control! It's all up to me! And, therefore, there is absolutely no excuse for me, or anyone, to not achieve their New Year's Resolutions!

Therefore, I have no doubt that I WILL LOSE WEIGHT!! I WILL FIND A BETTER PAYING JOB THAT I WILL BE HAPPY WITH! I WILL BUY A CAR THAT HAS BEEN MADE IN THE 21st CENTURY! Now, it's just the matter of planning on my part, taking the proper steps, and DOING IT!!!

So, my weight loss plan is this... I know that I need to really up the exercise, no excuses! So, with the help of two of my best friends, My Nazi Gym partner and my Bride-to-Be, I will be exercising 6 days a week. My Nazi Gym Partner wants me to do 45 minutes of cardio twice a day (which is equivalent to 600 calories burned)!! And on days that we go to the gym and lift weights, I only have to do the one cardio session. Now, I don't know what you are thinking, but that is a hell-of-a-lot of cardio. 1200 calories burned each day!! I pretty much told her that she is snorting some hard-ass crack, but she didn't laugh. Well, I thought long and hard how I was going to be able to do this, and it just so happened that luck paid me a visit. I was afraid that I would have to get my fat ass up at 5am to go to the gym, but a friend of mine decided that same week to sell her practically brand new (only used three times ever) Nordic Track Elliptical machine on Facebook! I jumped right on top of that! A $1200 Awesome Elliptical sitting right next to my bed was EXACTLY what I needed! And I got such an amazing deal on it, she sold it to me for $400 cash!! SOLD BABY!! I paid her that Friday, and had the guys from work in the shipping department pick it up and deliver it to my apartment the very next week!! And, I LOVE IT!! It is so convenient and so smooth and comfortable on my knees and joints! So... exercise problem solved!! I have had the elliptical set up and plugged in my bedroom for about a month and I have yet to work up to twice a day, but I have used it on average of 3-4 a week (minus that one week where I was stupendously sick). On top of that, my Nazi gym partner and I weight lift at the gym (and she really kicks my ass each time) two nights a week. The other nights I go home and jump on my elliptical. I just need to get myself in gear and wake up early enough to do the same before work! I'm getting there.. no excuses.. just slowly progressing!

Also, as of last night, my Bride-to-Be best friend came over last night and put some extra pressure on me for losing weight, too! She's getting married at the end of June, and I am her Maid of Honor! Well, I know she would never, ever tell me directly and insensitively, but I know she wants me to lose weight so she doesn't have a fat MOH. Now, don't get me wrong.. she's not so superficial like that, but the back-story to this is that the two girls who were bridesmaid and Maid of Honor before me ARE total superficial, insensitive, bitches who DID make fun of me and judged me HORRIBLY a few years back because I wasn't a size 2 like them. So, knowing that these f***ing biznatches will be at this wedding, I'm sure my Bride-to-Be best friend is pressuring me to workout with her and lose weight and look good for my protection and also, to help me and support me, so I can show those biznatches up at the wedding!! And I TRULY WANT TO SHOW THESE BITCHES UP, TOO!!

So, extra, EXTRA pressure to hit my goal! And, what is this goal? 50 to 60 pounds by June 25th. My Nazi gym partner says I should aim for 3 pounds a week, 4 weeks a month for the next 5 months is actually 60 pounds, but to not overwhelm myself too much, I am good with 50 pounds by that day. And I know it's not going to be easy. It has never been easy. But I really, REALLY don't want to let my Bride-to-be friend down. I don't want to let my Nazi Gym partner down. I don't want to let myself down!!!

So, 50-60 pounds in 5 months... how much will I weigh at that point? I will sadly, and disappointedly admit that I am now at 235 pounds, so by June 25th, I WILL and BETTER weigh approximately 175-185 pounds. Yep, I gained some weight over the Holidays! I'm not proud of it, not at all. I look at myself in the mirror and I want to cry so loud. I almost gained ALL my weight back that I lost in 2007. But, I've cried, and moped and moaned and festered over it enough! Time to make it happen!!

Okay, so the exercise problem is solved! Now for the dieting! *UGH* I do work for a weight loss company, so I really don't have any feasible excuse. Yes, money is super tight right now (and all the time), but I can't wait for money to fall in my lap to buy all the good groceries.. I just have to make due with what little bit I got!!

That HCG stuff I bought from a friend back in November/December – Total crap I think! It's not the HCG that makes you lose weight, it's the 500-800 calories a day that makes you lose weight! So, I'm going back to the Lindora program. It's the only diet program I can rely on. It's just the matter of relying on myself to do it and do it right and not deviate from it! I bought all the basic necessities just last night, so today was my first day.. and my last day of weighing this much!! I vow, for REAL now, that I will NEVER weight 235 pounds or more EVER again!! NEVER, NEVER! And all you blog followers.. you are my witnesses!! I just can't fail again! I'm tired of being a failure!

And, that's my renewed New Year's Resolution and Plan of Action.

Protein Day #1 & HCG...

So, I have no clue whether this HCG stuff is actually going to do anything or if it's water in a bottle and I got totally ripped... we'll see.

I will admit, that two gorging days had a big effect, on my butt! But I got all my kinks and quirks and cravings outta me. Today is day #1 of hcg diet, aka the Lindora diet, protein day #1 with hcg stuff. I honestly didn't eat much today. Due to a two hour meeting the minute I walked in the door today, I didn't even have my coffee til almost 1pm. So my whole eating schedule is thrown, and technically, I haven't had much, a yogurt and coffee, a protein bar, and my protein fruit drink. I honestly haven't been hungry today either.. but I've been pretty busy, so I didn't really have much time to think about whether I'm hungry or not .. It's later on tonight, when I'm home in bed reading a book or something, that I'm afraid hunger will hit me and I have to fight the urge to eat the entire contents of my fridge. We'll see...

I'd like to say that I'm totally gun-ho about dieting and losing weight... but, honestly I'm not. I really wish I was super motivated. I still haven't started my morning workout regime... I am going to the gym at least twice a week for weight lifting with Nazi workout partner, so I'm not entirely sedentary. The one and only thing I know for sure is that I'm so unhappy weighing this much. I'm running out of clothes to wear to work, church, pretty much anywhere but bedtime. And even my pj pants are feeling a little less relaxed.

What's worse, I am so hesitant to go out, visit friends or go to church, or even be seen by people. I have been trying to set up a lunch date with a friend that I knew years and years ago, and I have to admit I'm really nervous about seeing her when I'm so overweight and she is so beautiful and thin and happy. I know it's not a competition, and that's not what I care about. What I don't want to happen is for someone to see me and say "Oh, Chandra is a fat girl now." and then that's all they will think me as.. I don't want to be known as a "fat girl." I don't want people at work to look at me different, and treat me different (and remember, I work for a weight loss company!) and no matter what anyone says, people totally do look at you differently and treat and talk to you differently; and usually not in a more positive way. I don't want sympathy from people, I don't want disgusted looks from men or "I'm better than you" looks from women.. I just want people to see ME, not my ass, not my size 100 jeans, not the tags on my dress that says maternity clothes (because yes, I do buy clothes in the maternity section in order to find a comfortable fit)... and I'm totally afraid to even try and consider dating or going out.. I just feel like no guy is even going to give me a second glance after they see I'm not a size 2...

It's so frustrating and disheartening... so, I'm pretty much at a low point (hopefully the lowest point I'll get..) and I'm hoping things can only get better from here. I'm hoping to see some progress, my weight to get down, energy levels to get higher and it'd be nice to here a compliment every now and then, too!

Bottom line: I don't want to be a fat, miserable old-maid hermit!!

*fingers are still crossed*

HCG...

So, Thanksgiving has come and gone... almost finished with all my left overs... and I didn't come out too horribly... a couple expected pounds up, but I did also have my period which SUCKED! AND I DID go to the gym on Thanksgiving day and burned 600 calories... *yeah for me*

But now, as I figure out how the hell to get out of my dieting/weight-loss slump, I've decided to try a new product... a friend of mine from high school sells this stuff called "HCG". Apparently it helps with your metabolism. It's an odorless, tasteless liquid that I place 10 drops under my tongue , 15 to 30 minutes before I eat. Well, the actual diet is not much different from the Lindora program so I figured I would try this stuff out along with the Lindora program and see how it goes. My best friend, AKA: the Nazi workout partner, is still on my fat ass about going to the gym and killing my body twice a week, so I'm off to the gym to meet up with her tonight, but I also wanted to apologize to any and all readers that I'm going through a tough time getting motivated and determined.. so the apology is that my blog entries aren't so great and aren't as frequent as I had promised in the beginning... hopefully, when I start losing weight and getting more of that energy back that I've been lacking so badly lately, I will be posting more than just once a week ...

What I KNOW I HAVE TO DO is get my cardio exercise in everyday... which means I HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY and get to the gym! There's just no getting around that one... That's the tough part for me.. getting my lazy ass up in the morning and going to the gym, or for a walk... and it doesn't help that I go to bed super late ... but I'm totally wide awake at 11pm-2am.. Even if I did lay down in bed at 11pm, I know I'd be just wide awake in bed staring up at the ceiling... I need to get my sleep schedule back on track... so much to do.. and so little motivation to do it.. *ERRRRGGG*

Today, on the Lindora-HCG combo diet, is Gorge day #1.. I get 2 Gorge days to pretty much get all my cravings out of me.. it's mostly mental, the mental idea of being forbidden to eat certain foods; so I had chinese food and left over pumpkin pie with lite cool whip... and, honestly, other than my cup of coffee.. that's all I've had today.. I guess I'm not much of a gorger... anyway, one more gorge day, and then Wednesday is the official start of the 1000-1200 calorie diet..

*fingers crossed*