Stress and Weight Loss... Take Two!

Oh my goodness, this week has been so hectic for me. I don't know why it is so different than any other crazy week at work. I have already lapsed on the program. I haven't been into the clinic once this week (NOT GOOD!). Of course, I have actually taken only one lunch break in the last four days, so that kind of explains why.

I don't know what it is exactly about my job that I get so stressed out about. I work for a great company, I have a lot of nice and friendly co-workers, upper management is awesome and friendly, I don't get my head cut off if I make a mistake, and I get to come in later than others and get to stay later because they are nice and understanding enough to realize that I am not a morning person and they will get more creativity and productivity out of me with a flex hour work schedule. Maybe it's just that. I don't want to disappoint and miss a deadline or say "No, I can't do it" when they allow me so much comfortability at work. Granted, the last minute, "fire drill" projects are a lot more frequent than just occasional, but somehow, someway, I make sure I get it done in time.

Well, this week has been one of those crazy, busy weeks. I have a new boss now, and I'm getting accustomed to her and working and talking and interacting with her, and I like her.. I think we will get along very nicely.. and of course, I want to impress my new boss, so I not only make myself stress about hitting deadlines, but actually trying to be earlier than the deadlines. And, despite my four glittery, neon white hairs that I found this morning on the top of my head, I'm impressing away with out a sweat. But there is always a tit for a tat...

I haven't gone to the gym once this week, I haven't gone into the clinic this week, I haven't filled out my daily food journal once this week, and I have been missing my snacks and meals, which means I am starving by the end of the day and eventually succumbing to fast food... (Again, NOT GOOD!) And, I have given in to my new boss' "emergency snack drawer." As a result, I have gained three pounds since last Friday, which of course pisses me off to no end, and I only have myself to blame, because I know exactly what I DID NOT DO that made me gain these three pounds.

And this weekend will not be an easy one either... A lunch meeting tomorrow, Rock concert at the Viper Room on Friday (which means alcohol consumption), soccer with the nieces and nephews early Saturday (which means very little to no sleep), Dad wants me to spend the night and go to church with them (which means the insane temptation of a bunch of kiddy snacks like chips and spaghetti-o's and macaroni and cheese and fruit snacks).. and if I even make it out alive our of all that, a friend is having a birthday get together at Pink's Taco in Santa Monica... the dilemna (if it isn't so obvious) is that I have no idea where to find the time to go to the gym, I will most likely get very, very little sleep (which also contributes to weight gain), and just the stress of being busy and having to think and plan ahead... OH! AND, I desperately need to catch up with my two online classes.. I'm already a week behind! (NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD!)

Please pardon my french when I say "F*** ME!" ..

So, what do I do? I can't go into this chaotic weekend without a plan, or at least a set of guidelines to try and follow... I need to make healthy food choices, so for tomorrow's lunch meeting, a salad with grilled chicken, lite dressing on the side, water, water, and more water... the rock concert, *yikes* I don't know how I am going to be able to say no to alcohol.. "LIMIT DRINK CONSUMPTION TO A LIMIT OF 2!"... okay, okay.. so far, I think I can do this.. saturday drink lots of water and try to guilt trip myself into not eating any of the kids food, because no one wants to take food away from kids, especially when I know my sister doesn't have much money to buy groceries... I can do that.. guilt works on me... the gym though.. how do I get exercise in??? I still need to figure that one out... crap! Sunday, hmmm... Pink Taco.. that doesn't sound like healthy food.. I'll check the website and see what they have.. perhaps I can get another salad or something.. or maybe try to eat before hand and only have ONE, no more than TWO drinks to celebrate my friend's birthday.. then go home, and maybe go to the gym Sunday night!!

Yeah.. I think this can work..

One of the main things I have experienced and have been told over and over again, is that when you have a plan or at least a set of guidelines going into a difficult eating situation... it's not as stressful and overwhelming. And I know that if I try to deal with eating situations at that exact moment, I collapse and give in without really trying.. I need psychological preparation! Hmmm, I think I will re-read my motivation cards before I go to bed each night.. hopefully I will get some kind of osmosis through out the night and wake up confident and resolute!!

I WILL LOSE WEIGHT BY MONDAY!! I WILL GO TO THE CLINIC ON MONDAY!! I WILL GO TO THE GYM TWICE BETWEEN NOW AND MONDAY! I WILL NOT DRINK TOO MUCH ALCOHOL! I WILL GET EVERYTHING DONE! I WILL! I WILL! I WILL!

Wish me luck...

Making Good Choices when you are STRESSED OUT!

I don't know about anyone else, but I am so very much a stress eater, an emotional eater, a boredom eater, and an "eat while watching tv" eater. I will pretty much use anything as an excuse to just say "F*** it! I'm ordering pizza!" .. but I know, these are habits that I NEED to overcome and get under control. I will tell you though, it is SO HARD TO DO! Especially when I am super stressed and frustrated and PISSED OFF!
And today at work... well, let's just say, Baskin Robbins and Domino's Pizza need to lock their doors ASAP!

So, today was the most B.S. day EVER at work.. It's whata I have come to call "Firedrill Friday" .. you know, Friday, the last day before the weekend, deadlines need to be met, and then a project (or in today's case THREE projects) get thrown in the mix and "FU-COCK" it all up!! OMG! I swear this company is going to drive me towards alcoholism or something..ARG! Today was so freaking insane and unorganized and clueless, I was running around like crazy trying to meet my deadlines and NEW-Last MINUTE deadlines, and in doing so, I didn't get to eat all day... I didn't get to take my break until after 5pm, and of course, most of that time was rushing to the bank to cash my pay check so I can ACTUALLY have money to buy groceries and eat, and then I had to go to the clinic and weigh in..

yeah, I know.. Not good.. well, let's put this "strategy" in the weight loss books..

"If you are going insane with stress and frustration and you want to ring people's necks, and you don't get to eat all day, and then you weigh in, you lose an entire pound, get beautiful color on your keto-pee stick and lose approximately 2" from your waist and 2.5" in your hips. Granted your blood pressure is MUCH higher than normal, but hey? you lose weight!"

And that's where I'm at right now!

Now, granted, I know that not eating all day is horrible for your body, ESPECIALLY when you are dieting... I know that I need to eat regularly in order to keep my metabolism going smoothly and I did want to, but I will admit that it did calm me just a tad to see that I lost a pound in one day.

Now, I just need to calm down and not take my aggression/frustration/anger/insanity out on an extra large meat lover's pizza and pitcher of Miller Lite and large, chocolate covered coconut macaroons! HELP!!

I need to do what I did last night.. stop, think about what I want to do, what's better for me in the long run, and make the right choices...

I did make the right choice last night, and when my friend decided to treat me to dinner and starbucks INSTEAD of going to the gym and kicking my ass into soreness and exhaustion, I made good eating decisions, which, is quite difficult to do when your best friend is ordering a burger and french fries. I chose a grilled chicken salad and had the lowest carbohydrates and calorie dressing I could get, on the side and I drank three large glasses of water instead of any soda or alcohol. Granted, I was dying and did munch on a few of her steak fries, but after awhile, I had to do something before I ate an entire basket of them.. I poured ranch, ketchup, bbq mayo, salt, and malt vinegar all over them so I wouldn't touch them anymore. Goodness, they were so freakin' tempting!! French fries, potato chips, bread, rice, noodles, all the salty carbs are my weakness.. So, I was proud of myself for destroying the temptation before it destroyed me.

Afterwards at Starbucks I got a medium sugar-free, non-fat latte.. only 140 calories and 18 carbs (if you drink the whole thing, which I never do). And, what I was proud of the most with myself, is that on the way home, I decided to stop at the gym and get some cardio in. The teadmills were all occupied so I tried this weird eliptical/running/stairmaster, glider machine.. It's really weird, but it kicked my ass... over 400 calories burned in 30 minutes, and my heart rate was through the roof! I was tired and drank an insane amount of water, just at the gym alone (I think almost 48 oz.)..

Anyway, I got my aggression out and fell asleep pretty quickly–AMEN!

It's a shame I had to end my work week with such an insane and stressful and frustrating day, but it doesn't mean I need to start my weekend the same way. Thanks to the bank staying open until 6 pm, I now have a little bit of money and plan to relax and treat myself to a movie (without popcorn) or maybe a good, healthy dinner ... I need to celebrate.. I've done pretty well in the last two weeks.. I have officially lost 5.2 inches and 7.2 pounds in 15 days!

YEAH ME!!

Two weeks gone...

So, today is officially Day 1 of Week 3 on the program, and I am down a "whopping" 6.4 pounds... for a weigh in of 218.0!

Good God, this is so hard and it takes SO FREAKIN' LONG to get the damn weight off.. Only 1.4 pounds lost for week 2...Good in restrospect, but NOT GREAT!!

So, if you haven't guessed, I am GRUMPY and CRANKY dwarf right now. I'm hungry ALL the damn time! I mean, I know the first two weeks are pretty difficult, basically because your body and mind are adjusting to such a drastic change.. but c'mon!!!

Okay, enough bitching.. it doesn't do anyone any good.

Well, it's not easy my friends, that is for sure. But, what do you do? You bitch and moan and complain and keep on it.. the bitchiness has to go away eventually right?

Actually, I remember reading somewhere that a dieter in ketosis is supposed to have an elevated mood? Well, I would say WTF!?! why isn't my mood elevated? But I already know the answer to that.. I'm hardly, if any, in ketosis.. my pee sticks barely show any color.. sometimes I wonder if it's just my eyes playing tricks on me. *sigh*

Well, tonight is supposed to be workout night with best friend, who usually kicks my ass at the gym, which in turn, I am exhausted, which is good since I need to get this aggression and grumpiness out of me, but then I am super sore the next day, which means I will see that on the scale because my muscles are bloated with lactic acid, recovering from being overworked, which means more on the scale, blah, blah, etc...

It's a ridiculous ride to take, that's for damn sure!! God, I hate dieting!! HATE IT!! It's so tough, and miserable, and tough!! And I'm so fucking poor (oops, sorry, excuse my french please) that I am super limited on what I can eat.. I have very little in the fridge at home, and I am TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT to not even look at the 12 pack of Miller Lite screaming my name in there.. I'm afraid to eat a freakin' nectarine because there are so many carbs in just one small one... I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT SCALE NUMBER GO UP!! It makes me so irritable and discouraged! But, shit! I feel empty all the damn time.. is this what waif super models feel like every day?

Okay, I need to focus.. I need to stay positive.. this is where the positive mind set comes in.. mind over matter, right?

Tomorrow is pay day, but I maybe get $100 of 'play money' for the next two weeks... Damn, why couldn't I have been one of those naturally thin girls with rich boyfriends/husbands that get gourmet meals and don't ever have to make the tough decision of "Top Ramen for $.49 or a $1.50 hot dog from Costco?" ... (I opted for the hot dog and only ate half the bun.. some protein is better than none).

I am at a fork in the proverbial road.. the decisions I make tonight can help me or hinder me and tomorrow's weigh in. So, what do I do to "LIFT ME UP" ??? Well, I could listen to Josh Grobin sing it, but that would probably just add to the irritation.. I guess I'll suck it up, try and remember my short term deadline goals (Friend's engagement party and wedding with SUPER CUTE guy), and tire the hell out of myself at the gym.. I just HAVE to be down tomorrow.. I HAVE TO!! UGH!!

Wish me luck, please.. I need it!

Alcohol and Weight Loss...

Well, I will admit one of my hardest and most difficult challenges when I'm on a weight loss program is staying away from alcohol. Now, once I was very good about not drinking alcohol, of course I was going to church everyday and they pounded into my head how alcohol is the devil basically.. and yes, I agree, but at the same time, I'm a young woman who likes to go out and meet people and socialize, and unfortunately, the majority of opportunities to do this usually requires alcohol.. well, maybe not requires, but definitely is a temptation and frowned upon with a weird eyebrow lift when I don't partake of the drinking.. and I like to have a drink every now and then. I don't get wasted usually, but it's nice to sit down and have a glass of wine or sip on a little whiskey and soda while having a nice conversation with your friends, or when you are at a sports bar playing pool and darts with some professional baseball players after a game...Yep, that was my weekend.. I'm assuming you already know where I'm going with this post.

So, my friend Nikki, whom I love dearly, has connections to a lot of interesting and unique people and groups of people. And the lovely doll is kind enough to let me be her "wingman." And I have a blast pretty much every time I go out with her. And, yes, it usually consists of a ball game and hanging out at a bar afterward with professional athletes (sorry, no name dropping in this blog). And this last weekend was exactly that.

I was doing pretty damn good on the weight loss program. I was back down to a five pound weight loss as of Friday afternoon (the end of my first week) and after work I had to rush to make it to the ballpark in time. Now, I'm pretty freakin' poor so, I don't usually worry about eating when I'm hurting financially, I just chew gum and hope I don't pass out. And at the ballpark, I don't eat anything! Even when my friend Nikki was munching on nachos and a hot dog, and she was offering me some, I declined! I need to be down on Monday's weigh in.. no goofing off on the program! And Lord knows I was hungry. I packed a protein bar just in case. Well, it's a damn good thing I did, because the stupid game went into major overtime, and we didn't get out of the ballpark until after 11pm. We then met up afterward with some of the guys at a sports bar. I am so low on dough, I felt horrible, but only ordered a glass of water until the guys showed up. Now, I am not one of those girls who depends on a man to pay for everything, and I don't flirt my way to a free ride, but I learned that you don't insult a man who makes good money, by not allowing him to pay for your drinks.. so, I roll with the punches... when the guys ask who needs another, I usually raise my hand.. and then we were playing pool, and "shit-talking" to each other, which leads into more drinking, and then the bar closes, so we hit up a liquor store and buy more booze and head over to the hotel where the guys are staying, drink some more, etc..

By the time I got home, it was after 3:30 am, I am butt-tired, and realized I had 4-5 whiskey/sodas, and 2-3 coronas (and I don't even like corona). To say the least, I knew that unless I fasted for the next 36 hours, I wasn't going to have any color on my keto-stick or much if any weight loss reflected on the scale... And, I was right!

I busted my eating ass on Saturday and Sunday and practically starved myself Monday morning only to see a .3 pound weight loss on the scale! Holy donkey kong! .3 measly pounds!?!?! Damn it! I mean, I am glad that I didn't gain any weight, but still, you'd think that two and a half days of doing really well on the program, hardly eating anything bad, let alone anything at all, would totally make up for 5 hours of drinking...

Alcohol is the devil!! The church people were right! Ugh!

The actual explanation of it, I learned, is this: When your body is in a state of weight loss/ketosis, and you drink alcohol, you body shuts down all that good ketogenic/metabolic goodness and focuses just on getting the alcohol out of your body. Your body considers alcohol a poison, and it takes approximately 3-4 days for your body to be able to get rid of the alcoholic toxins and attempt to get back to where it left off.. So, basically I worked so damn hard to get into ketosis, then drinking Eff'd me up and sent me back a good 4 days! I guess I should think twice before raising my hand for another round when I'm trying to lose weight.

My Big Sexy Photoshoot!

So, a year ago, a friend of mine sent me a link to this thing called a Groupon, and the Groupon Deal that day was a huge discount on a professional photo shoot in Los Angeles for only $50. I thought it was a great idea and the perfect opportunity to get some updated headshots. Also, I had an entire year to schedule the photo shoot, so I figured I would lose a bunch of weight and then have really nice photos afterwards as a reward for reaching my weight loss goal. Well, a year went by, and lo and behold, I didn't lose any weight. But I had to use the Groupon before it expired or I was out $50. So, I decided to go along and still do the photo shoot AND, I had decided that this photo shoot was going to commemorate my fabulosity, despite my size! I decided to celebrate my big ass.. I am going to go nude! It is my way of telling the size -2 worshipping world to go suck it!! A woman doesn't have to be a size 2 to be beautiful. Big is beautiful too! And I am going to prove it!

Well, I will admit, I thought long and hard about what exactly I wanted to do, what I wanted to wear, or not wear, what props or accessories to have, my hair, my make-up, everything... and in the process of brainstorming, I was reminded of an article I read in a fashion magazine years ago. The article was about plus-size models, and they had 4 or 5 photos of actual working plus-size models in the magazine article. It was so awesome! It really made me consider going into plus-size modeling (which I did look into, but it is a really, REALLY difficult profession for a 5'6" woman to bust into)... but there was this one photo that really caught my attention, and sent my size 16, DDD-bra body a-soaring... the photo was of this model, stark naked, wearing only a pair of high heels and she was covering herself up with only two small pillows. It is the all-time best photo I have seen in a magazine to date! I loved it so much that I cut it out and have taped it up on every bedroom wall that I have had since. It was this photo that I decided to recreate in my own photo shoot.

I searched high and low for the perfect pillows to use in my photo shoot. I looked inside a bunch of different stores. I even searched online, and didn't find anything remotely what I wanted, until I saw these beautiful teal pillows at Z Gallery. Holy crap they were expensive, but I had to have them for my photo shoot! And so I bought them, hoping that I could return them after the photo shoot (if only I can find that damn receipt!!!)

I will admit, I was a bit nervous.. not crazy, stage fright nervous, but a little nervous to be photographed in my "birthday suit".. but the photographer was so cool and super nice. After the first couple shots, I was good to go, and I could even feel myself really getting into it. I felt like I was this gorgeous super model. What woman wouldn't want to feel like that? And I must admit, a lot of the shots were gorgeous, super model quality! The best shots in my opinion were the naked shots.. I was so proud of myself and happy that I did it! It was one of the best experiences I have ever had. It really helped me to feel good about myself and my body and I honestly believe that that is truly important for a woman, whether she is losing weight or not.

My whole life I have had to deal with people looking down at me, or thinking less of me or judging me because there's MORE of me than most women.. And, to be honest, I can't help being the shape that I am (and I say shape, not size..there is a difference). I am not lesser of a person for being plus-sized. I am not lesser of a woman or a lover or a girlfriend, or an employee, or a Christian, or a daughter because I choose to celebrate my body. I like being curvy. Actually, I LOVE being curvy. I don't ever want to be a size 2, 110 pound woman. Honest! And yes, I am on a weight loss program now, and yes, I do work for a weight loss company.. if it makes me a hypocrite for being "overweight" and working at a weight loss company, than I guess I'm a hypocrite... I'm okay with that, and frankly, I am the only one that SHOULD or NEEDS to be okay with it. What other people think is irrelevant to me. God is who I try and impress (albeit, I fall short on a daily basis... but don't we all?)

So, for any critics or judging viewers and readers, you can suck it! Maybe you wouldn't ever do a sexy, "racy" photo shoot and that's totally fine.. but guess what... I AM NOT YOU!! and last time I checked, you weren't God either.. I don't have to answer to you.

Yeah, I know, I'm getting a little snippety... but I've been given some flak by people, and it's not right, I don't go out of my way to criticize people, so I only ask for the same respect.. Please don't rain on my parade... And, lastly, I didn't do this to attract men, I didn't do this to cause trouble or piss people off.. I did this for me.. and that's it.. and I feel great about myself!

So, yeah for me and my big booty!!

Motivation

So, I figured it would be a good idea to talk about motivation. Weight loss is definitely not just about food and exercise. Half the battle is in the mind. It's the mind that keeps you focused, and reminds you of the reasons why you want to lose weight. The mind is what motivates you and analyzes the good choices from the okay choices to the best choices.

Now, when it comes to motivation, I most definitely believe that everyone's is different. Not all motivations work for everyone. Each person is unique and different, therefore, each person's motivations are unique. So, my motivations are:

1. To feel better and have confidence in myself, no matter what I wear
2. I want to WANT to wear a pair of jeans and feel good in them
3. To wear a dress WITHOUT needing to wear nylons or tights
4. To get a date/a boyfriend
5. I don't want to be the fat sister anymore
6. I don't want to be the unmarried and childless sister anymore
7. "Thin Thirties"
8. A sexy photo shoot once I reach my goal
9. My little black dress
10. My Acting/Modeling dream

So, yes, some of these may sound silly to some of you, but they are important to me. It just so happens that I have dabbled in acting and modeling, but I was always chicken shit to take the next steps in auditioning and getting an agent or manager because I was insecure about my weight. I didn't want to have to hear the same rejection over and over again (if only you were thinner).. I got enough of that when I was in college at CSU Fullerton theatre and dance department. And I know some of you may be thinking, "You shouldn't lose weight to catch a man" and I agree; however, I am a realist as well. I do live in superficial Southern California, and unfortunately, don't have any means to live anywhere else at the moment, so a girl has to play with the cards she is dealt!

As for the jeans, don't laugh, but I hate wearing jeans. I know, it's unheard of for someone to hate to wear jeans, but I do. I can't stand how tight and restrictive they are on me. I can't stand the fit (and I've tried a million different styles and name brands) but because of my size and shape, I don't feel comfortable wearing a pair of jeans. I have a muffin top, camel toe and squished butt every time. No thank you! Now, if I lost weight, perhaps jeans wouldn't be so difficult for me to wear... who knows?

So, the 10 motivations I listed, if you haven't noticed are more of a long-term, overall motivations. There are also some motivations that I like to call deadline motivations. These are short-term goals with a quick deadline. As an example, here are some of mine...

1. Black Robot Concert at the Viper Room, September 24th
2. Jennifer & Jason's joint Bachelor/Bachelorette Party, October 2nd
4. Halloween (want to wear a cute, sexy outfit) October 31st
3. Jennifer and Jason's wedding, November 6th
4. My 31st Birthday, November 10th

So, as you can see, I have a few events on the calendar that are in the next couple months that I can focus on and can give me a sense of urgency and place a little more importance and emphasis on my weight loss. These deadline motivations actually do help me... I tend to do well, and even better, when I am under pressure.

What I have noticed when it comes to motivations, is that they change and have levels of effectiveness. Some motivations just aren't strong enough. You really have to dig deep inside yourself and figure out what it is that really, REALLY is important to you and inspires you mentally, physically and emotionally.

See, for me, I really am tired of being the fat, unmarried sister. I love my family very, very much, but every freakin' time I go to a little kid birthday party, or a baby shower or a holiday party, I hear the same damn question over and over and it makes me sick!! "Chandra, when is it your turn to get married? Chandra, when are we going to be giving you a baby shower?" ARG!!! I don't know people!! Please STOP asking me!! Sheesh!! I know they mean well, but good God, don't they understand it's annoying and a bit painful to hear. It reminds me of the 2nd Bridget Jones Diary movie, there is a woman that every time when she talks to Bridget, she is indirectly insulting Bridgett, like being stung by a jelly fish! Well, that's how I feel every time I am asked when am I going to get married and going to have children of my own. Jellyfish! Jellyfish! Jellyfish!!

I really am tired of being the fat sister. I've been the fat sister my entire life. I got all the big parts and my sister got all the little parts. I mean, I like my big boobs and big butt, and thank you J.Lo and Kim Kardashian for paving the way for big booty bitches like myself.. but I can be smaller, slimmer, and healthier. I can still be voluptuous without having to be a size 16/18. I mean, T & A is in my DNA... that's not going to change no matter what size I am.

One other thing, I absolutely believe that a person really needs to like themselves and have some self-appreciation and happiness for who they are. It's one thing to love who you are and just wanting to better yourself; it's an entirely different matter if a person is losing weight because they hate their body and hate who they are and are utterly depressed. That is not a good way to start out. Losing weight is really hard and it's that pride and appreciation and self-confidence and positive mindset that is going to really help get you through... if you don't have that positive mindset as a foundation, losing weight will be that much harder! Remember, you are the one who has to live with you forever. It's not the outside of a person who makes a person wonderful and special and lovable, it's the person inside the body. Losing weight will not change your world automatically.. Yes, you will be thinner, but losing weight doesn't guarantee a hoard of men will just start lining up to date you; or a dozen new job opportunities will come your way... it's what you do with yourself and how you look at the world that makes the difference. Your mind is a very powerful tool. Staying positive and having a good outlook and mindset makes a HUGE difference!!

The Consequences of a Three-Day Weekend and my weak resolve...

So, it's officially Week 2: Day 1, and I have lost a measly four pounds.. FOUR POUNDS!?! But wait a minute, as of 5 days ago, I was down 5 pounds.. what happened? Ah.. yes, well, exactly what I had feared.. a three day weekend with no money and a ridiculous amount of free food (non-Lindora compliant) via bbq's.

Mo and Suzie had a BBQ and despite how hard I tried, I still went WAY OVER my carb count.. to my credit though, I did fill up on mass amounts of fruit before I nibbled on the good-bad stuff. Which, now answers the question as to why I had such horrible stomach/gas issues later that evening. I definitely didn't eat as much as I usually would though.. that's a semi-minute-itty-bitty baby step right?

Excuses, excuses.. I need to take this seriously. It was horrible coming back into the clinic on Tuesday and seeing basically the five pounds I lost, back on my fat ass. Which was quite shocking too, since that Saturday I was completely exhausted from moving my entire life into a second floor apartment. I am still sore and bruised up.

With that said... that's it! This is for real. I don't want this blog to be a will and testament to yet again, another failed attempt at losing weight! What boring reading material right? So, I finished my first week with two protein days. And I did well, and took 4.1 pounds off. I ate exactly the same thing both days, to ensure ketosis as well.

Breakfast:
low-carb yogurt

Morning Snack:
Lindora Peach Mango Drink Mix & 16 oz of water

Lunch:
Lite Meatball and Vegetable Soup

Afternoon Snack:
1 Atkins Coconut Bar

Dinner:
1 Hamburger patty (no bun!!)

Evening Snack:
Lindora Strawberry Kiwi Drink Mix and 16 oz of water

Non-calorie liquids: 36 oz of water and 1 (12 oz) diet coke

Total Calories: 800
Total Carbs: 39
Total Fat: 32 1/2 g.
Total Liquids: 80 Fl. oz.

Granted, the carbs are a little lower than usual, but it worked. And I wasn't starving myself, and I kept active, whether it was taking a brisk 30-40 minutes walk at night or going up and down my stairs loading and unloading my car and unpacking my belongings.

Four pounds in one week is good! No diet program will argue with that! I just need to stay focused... I need to remember why I want to lose weight! I need to make my motivation cards. Motivation cards are used to remind you and keep you motivated and focused on losing weight. When times get tough, and I have a bag of potato chips waving at me or a Jack in the Box screaming my name, I need to stop and get re-motivated!! And then run like hell, before I change my mind!

Day #2...Facing the Weekend!

Whew! Well, some good news, I lost 5.1 pounds in one day!!! AND, I am in ketosis with a very nice shade of pink on my keto-pee stick.. (I know, I know.. TMI). Officially 219.3 pounds. I would like to just state on record that it isn't easy to admit publicly how much I weigh. So please, no teasing... *wink*

So, what did I do to lose five pounds in one day? Well, it was most likely the combination of doing an all day protein day, keeping my calories under 1200 and going to the gym last night. I burned approximately 350 calories. Not bad – not my usual hardcore routine, but I figure anything is better than nothing, right?

However, the not-so-great part of today, I've hardly had anything to eat today. I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I woke up early and filled up my car with as much clothes as possible. I got to work an hour early, had a major email crisis that set me back about an hour (and yes, that is with the extra hour coming in early), had to go to the bank to cash my paycheck, go to the store to get a money order for my first months rent, quickly weighed in at the clinic, drove like a bat outta hell to long beach to the property management office to sign my lease, go over all the paper work, stop by my apartment and unload all the clothes that I stuffed into my car this morning, drove back to work like a bat outta hell, stopped off at shipping to pick up some more boxes for packing, and THEN finally got back to my desk to resume working! Sheesh!!! I'm pooped already. And, in this crazy frenzy, what have I eaten so far?

Breakfast:
1 Peanut Caramel Atkins Bar

Morning Snack:
1 Venti Green Tea Iced Tea

Lunch:
1 Fried Chicken Breast from Albertsons (yes, I know fried chicken isn't the best choice, but I was hungry and it was right there when I got my money orders.. so shoot me!!!)

Afternoon Snack:
1 Sugarfree Redbull and 1 20 oz bottle of water

Dinner and Evening Snack are TBD...

Not good my friends.. not good! One thing I do know about losing weight, is that eating regularly, every 2-3 hours is very important to keep your metabolism going.

So, what do I have planned for tonight? No clue .. I'm broke right now since I gave pretty much my entire pay check to paying my first months rent and deposit. I think I might have one can of Meatball and Vegetable soup left in the cupboard at home.. and maybe I'll have a low carb yogurt for my evening snack...

Shit! Dieting is so annoying. Having to continuously and consciously think about what food decisions to make sucks. But, it's only day two.. I need to stay focused.

The real problem though: I have the weekend to face, and not just any regular weekend, a three day holiday weekend! Shit again! Staying with an eating routine is much easier during the week when I am at work and focused. I don't have any extra time to be bored and constantly think about how hungry I am.

Sundays are by far, the worst and most difficult. Why? Because almost every Sunday, I drive over to my families house to spend time with my parents, my sister and her hubby and my 5 beautiful and wonderful nieces and nephews. There really isn't any Lindora program compliant food for me to snack on or eat. And I am usually there for most of the day. Not to mention all the little kid snacks that are laying around screaming my name (the loudest being the insanely huge economy/family size of doritos..mmmm... I really like doritos!) God, the temptation of spaghetti-o's and macaroni 'n cheese is so intense, I can barely fight it.. and usually I lose the fight.. hence why I am 219 pounds... My sister tries to help out a little when she cooks dinner, but I can't expect my sister to do all the work.. she has 9 people to feed.. and no one else is on the Lindora program (though I have been trying to get my dad to join or at least try to lose weight and exercise)...

And this weekend, I will probably stay the night and spend Monday with them as well. Please God, please don't let Suzie and Big Mo be having a bbq.. I know I can't resist their bbq's.. so much good food!!! It's a feast for an entire baseball team it seems like. Suzie and Big Mo are my sister's parent-in-laws. I love them so much. Technically they are not really family, but I think of them as such. They are so nice to me and so kind and they always include me and invite me to their house, even for the smallest of occasions. And boy can Big Mo bbq!!! Mmmm..

Damn it! Stop thinking about food Chandra!! You are not hungry! You are NOT hungry!! (self mental persuasion)

*UGH!!* I can do this! How ridiculous to give up and mess up after only a couple of days. I can do this! I am not too sure about the gym either this weekend, but since I am moving tomorrow, that will definitely count as moderate exercise! I am moving into a second floor apartment.. those stairs will kick my butt for sure!! Not to mention the millions of hours I will need to put in to put my apartment together.. okay, maybe this weekend won't be too difficult.. *fingers crossed*

Week 1, Day 1: Going back to the clinic

Well, it wasn't easy going back to the clinic, because I really, REALLY didn't want to see that number on the scale.. the number that I HAD TO SHOW my nurse... I walked in and Betty and Saul were suprised and happy to see me. They both gave me a hug and asked where the heck I'd been.. I was so emotional just driving to the clinic, I didn't know whether I can keep it together if I told them the whole ridiculous story. I told Betty that I am sorry for being M.I.A and I basically need help. I need to start another program and I really need some extra help and pushing along this time. I also apologized for never returning their phone calls from the last series.. I felt so bad, but finally came to my senses today.

Betty got all the paperwork and escorted me to her lab room. I warned her that I may cry, especially when I get on the scale. I knew basically what I weighed, but having to face it with another person in the room is even tougher to swallow. 224.4 pounds. Shit!! It was even worst than I thought. Thank goodness Betty is so sweet and thoughtful. She said that we will get through this. That after today, I will never have to see that number on the scale again.. Fuck! But I've heard that speech before..

Ugh!! Betty said that I need to not be so negative.. losing weight is very much in the mind as well as the physical body. I know, I know... you're right.

She took my blood pressure and my measurments.. and asked me how I have been. I told her how stressed out I am. I am so tired because I can't seem to get any sleep at night. My mind is constantly racing. I mean, the economy the way it is, I am always nervous that I will be the next person to get laid off, despite how many times I've been told how important me and my position is to the company. But I know that no one should ever get comfortable and complacent.. no one has job security. I told her how busy I am at work, and how insane I am going right now because I am moving in two days!

I HATE moving! I have moved 5 times in 6 years... this weekend will be the 6th! I have so much packing to do, and the last month trying desperately to find someone to help me move from one place to the next, I have had two crying break downs. I mean, hopefully after this weekend, it will get better, but there is always something. I will have to unpack, and set up, and rearrange, and paint, and etc, etc, etc...

Betty was sweet in listening to my ranting and venting. And after everything I told her, she wasn't surprised to see my blood pressure a little higher than normal. And, I NEVER have had high blood pressure. I usually pride myself on how great my blood pressure and cholesterol numbers are.. but, today, it just added to my overweight dilemna... go figure.

So, my first day of the first week of my 10-week program: Protein day #1

Breakfast:
A venti, nonfat, sugarfree caramel latte

Morning Snack:
1 string cheese

Lunch:
Progresso Lite Italian Meatball and Vegetable soup

Afternoon Snack:
1 coconut Atkins protein bar

Dinner:
1 Peanut and caramel Atkins protein bar

Evening Snack:
Lindora Peach Mango Drink Mix with 16 oz of water

Other non-calorie liquids:
1 Lindora Mixed Fruit Fiber Drink Mix with 16 oz of water
44 oz. of Diet Mt. Dew (from 7-Eleven)
8 oz. of water (with my Omega-3 vitamins)
20 oz. of Diet Mt. Dew (I'm really tired and have a lot of packing to do)
18 oz. of water

Total Calories: 1080
Total Fat: 32 g
Total Carbs: 85
Total protein: (8 servings) 76 g
Total Non-Calorie Liquids: 124 Fluid oz.



Not the greatest, but not too bad either. Okay, off to the gym.

The Last Beginning

My name is Chandra. I am a 30 year old woman who has had it with being overweight! I have struggled with my weight basically since puberty.. and boy, did it hit hard!

I started high school at a slim and fabulous 120 pounds. Yes, I was only 13 years old, but I remember even at such a young age that I thought I was fat. I signed up for every club and sport that I could possible do in hopes of not gaining weight. But, despite my four years of cheerleading, swimming, diving, and marching band, and trying every diet fad that came my way, I still gained approximately 15 to 20 pounds each year. When I graduated high school, I weighed in at 180 pounds. That's when I started weight watchers.

Doing Weight Watchers and starting the "college life" did not go hand-in-hand. College life was kicking my ass. We have all heard of the "freshman 15".. yep, you guessed it.. I experienced it. It was just so difficult going to school and trying to work at the same time. It didn't help that I took a million college classes. I was a musical theatre and art major. I took every dance class that I was able to register for. And I was good too! But, alas, even all the dance classes and even the occasional exercise class didn't keep me from gaining weight. It was ridiculous!

And what made it worse, was that my sister is so fucking skinny! (I guess I should warn you that I talk like a sailor.. and I will most likely have the occasional 4-letter word come out.. beware, and I'm sorry in advance). My sister is a size 2!! She has always been skinny. I love her of course, and it's not like she rubs it in or anything, because she doens't at all, but just seeing her sometimes makes me want to take a knife and cut off my own ass. As of today, my sister, the mother of 5, yes FIVE, children is a size 2 and weighs in at 110 pounds, with 6-pack abs and Madonna arms. She also has been married for 7 years. She always had a boyfriend or some boy drooling over her. She went to almost every high school dance and she eats candy for breakfast! It is SO NOT FAIR!!

Anyway, the only weight loss program that I have actually lost and have maintained my weight loss is Lindora. And, it just so happens, I now work for them. Now, when I lost weight with Jenny Craig, I was working for them as well. It was easy when I heard the same motivational babble coming out of my own mouth for 40 hours a week, and the food was at a discount, and I wasn't going to school, so it was no problem going to the gym every day. So, yeah, I lost weight. I started Jenny Craig in January of '04 and weighed in at 215 pounds. The weight came right off! I got into writing every little bit and sip that I took down on paper. I even found myself going to the gym 10 times a week!! Yeah, I know.. it was insane, but I remember loving it and being super addicted to working out. And by Halloween, I had lost 35 pounds. The only problem that I experienced is that when I decided to go back to school in October of '04, I quit Jenny Craig to focus on school full-time.. and well, the 35 pounds I lost with Jenny Craig, came right back on, with 25 extra pounds.. in October of '04, I weighed 180 pounds, the lowest I have weighed since graduating high school. And, believe-it-or-not, I looked GREAT!! However, by the time I graduated from the Art Institute in June of '07, no longer having the Jenny Craig meals, or the time to cook or go to the gym, I was at my ALL TIME HIGHEST weight, a horrific 250 pounds!!! I just couldn't believe my eyes that one jaw-dropping morning when I stepped on the scale. I don't remember how I let myself get that big. I mean, I didn't feel or look like I was practically a quarter of a ton (Holy Shit.. that sounds even worse when putting it like that).. I was still getting flirted and hit on by men, well, a few men anyway.

A few months after I graduated, I was hired by Lindora to be their in-house graphic designer. I was also, simultaneously, working nights as a cocktail waitress at the Marriott Hotel. It took me a few months to get out of "Jenny Craig is the only diet that works" mentality, but I realized that I needed to at least try Lindora before knocking it.. and I did! January of '08, I signed up for the 10-week program at the nearest Lindora clinic, with a starting weight of 241 pounds. And in 10-weeks, lo and behold, I had lost approximately 20 pounds. After the first series, I figured that I was a pro and decided to lose the rest primarily on my own. I mean, I didn't need to rely on any frozen dinners or shakes. I ate real food that I had to cook and measure myself on Lindora. I figured I didn't need to go into the clinic anymore, I had all the knowledge I needed to lose the rest of the weight, and I was a super busy girl with two full-time jobs.. going into the clinic 5 days a week was REALLY tough for me.. Anyway, I kept those initial 20 pounds off, and in the following two years, I quit my job at the hotel, got some much-needed sleep, and bull-shitted my way up and down the scale, actually lost another 20 pounds by my 30th birthday.

My 30th birthday was a crucial deadline in my mind. I mean, it doesn't get easier the older a person gets. We all know this. I mean, granted, I was hoping to reach that one special number of 180 pounds again, but eventually, I'd get there. My whole motivational motto is "Thin Thirties!" I spent my entire 20's being overweight, hiding my big butt and thunder thighs as best as can be, but I was NOT going to spend my thirties making the same mistakes, the same decisions that got me to this fat physique. The only great thing I felt about being overweight is that my boobs are ENORMOUS!! Shoot-if I didn't have big boobs, I probably would still be a virgin, hiding in the back corner of church 24 hours a day (and that is a whole other subject and can of worms that needs it's own blog one day).

So, after my 30th birthday, I found myself going out like crazy and partying it up (well, in a more mature and sophisticated manner, of course) because in my mind, I was doing great and this whole losing weight and keeping it off was no problem. Well, I was an idiot to think that. My birthday is in November, and I had the notorious holidays to face.. and I basically ate right through them. By February 2010, I was back up to 215 pounds.

"Damn, damn, double damn!!"

So, I went back to the clinic, because I pretty much had to face the music that I can't do it by myself. I went to the clinic and slowly and pain-stakingly lost a meager 14 pounds, which brought me back down to 201 pounds by May 2010. Okay, I can do this.. I told myself that I will break the 200 pounds barrier. However, I was an idiot once again, and let work and life and stress keep me from going back into the clinic. I knew it too. My nurses called me and called me and I just ignored them, because I figured I could lose the rest on my own, I only needed that little kick start to get me going. Wrong again!

In three months time, I have gained back my weight. I kept telling myself that I can lose the weight on my own. I just need to go to the gym. But, day after day, week after week, I got busier and busier, stressed and more stressed, and gained more and more weight.

So, here I am, it's a mere two months before my 31st birthday, I weigh 224 pounds and I feel miserable! It was today, crying in the office bathroom, struggling to zip my pants back up, that I decided that I just can't do this anymore! I feel and look so big and bloated. I am squishing my fat ass and gigantic boobs into my clothes, covering it all up with cardigans and sweaters... and it's 90 degrees outside!?!?! I am still single, having not had a decent date in months. I signed up for an online dating website, and realized that all my pictures are from the boobs up. I can't remember the last time I took a full body, head-to-toe picture. Ugh!! I don't want to be overweight anymore. I don't want to be the unmarried sister anymore! I don't want to be the fat sister anymore!! I am SO SICK of hearing the phrase "gee, you're so pretty, if only..." I mean, why? Why can't I just get my ass out of bed in the morning and exercise? Why do I always succumb to fast food and fattening foods? Why do I drink 6 beers instead of just the one? I don't want to die a lonely, fat lady who only has a cat to keep her company! I'm done! I have reached the end of my rope!

And, this is why I am starting this blog. I am going to document my LAST AND FINAL weight loss journey! I AM going to lose the weight, and I AM going to keep it off this time.. PERMANENTLY!!

I suppose I need to give myself a deadline of some sort.. So, how about one year from now.. say, my 32nd birthday. I will write everything that I do and experience and feel in the next 14 months. I will do my best to update and post every day, or every other day. I want to do this. I want to share my story with everyone and anyone who is willing to listen, er, read it. I know there are hundreds of thousands of people in my shoes, experiencing the exact same emotions and struggles that I am. And, hopefully, sharing my "triumphs, trials and tribulations" perhaps I can inspire and motivate other people to take the same first step that I am about to take.. the LAST BEGINNING of a diet, of losing the weight.

Alright, here I go...