So, I have no clue whether this HCG stuff is actually going to do anything or if it's water in a bottle and I got totally ripped... we'll see.
I will admit, that two gorging days had a big effect, on my butt! But I got all my kinks and quirks and cravings outta me. Today is day #1 of hcg diet, aka the Lindora diet, protein day #1 with hcg stuff. I honestly didn't eat much today. Due to a two hour meeting the minute I walked in the door today, I didn't even have my coffee til almost 1pm. So my whole eating schedule is thrown, and technically, I haven't had much, a yogurt and coffee, a protein bar, and my protein fruit drink. I honestly haven't been hungry today either.. but I've been pretty busy, so I didn't really have much time to think about whether I'm hungry or not .. It's later on tonight, when I'm home in bed reading a book or something, that I'm afraid hunger will hit me and I have to fight the urge to eat the entire contents of my fridge. We'll see...
I'd like to say that I'm totally gun-ho about dieting and losing weight... but, honestly I'm not. I really wish I was super motivated. I still haven't started my morning workout regime... I am going to the gym at least twice a week for weight lifting with Nazi workout partner, so I'm not entirely sedentary. The one and only thing I know for sure is that I'm so unhappy weighing this much. I'm running out of clothes to wear to work, church, pretty much anywhere but bedtime. And even my pj pants are feeling a little less relaxed.
What's worse, I am so hesitant to go out, visit friends or go to church, or even be seen by people. I have been trying to set up a lunch date with a friend that I knew years and years ago, and I have to admit I'm really nervous about seeing her when I'm so overweight and she is so beautiful and thin and happy. I know it's not a competition, and that's not what I care about. What I don't want to happen is for someone to see me and say "Oh, Chandra is a fat girl now." and then that's all they will think me as.. I don't want to be known as a "fat girl." I don't want people at work to look at me different, and treat me different (and remember, I work for a weight loss company!) and no matter what anyone says, people totally do look at you differently and treat and talk to you differently; and usually not in a more positive way. I don't want sympathy from people, I don't want disgusted looks from men or "I'm better than you" looks from women.. I just want people to see ME, not my ass, not my size 100 jeans, not the tags on my dress that says maternity clothes (because yes, I do buy clothes in the maternity section in order to find a comfortable fit)... and I'm totally afraid to even try and consider dating or going out.. I just feel like no guy is even going to give me a second glance after they see I'm not a size 2...
It's so frustrating and disheartening... so, I'm pretty much at a low point (hopefully the lowest point I'll get..) and I'm hoping things can only get better from here. I'm hoping to see some progress, my weight to get down, energy levels to get higher and it'd be nice to here a compliment every now and then, too!
Bottom line: I don't want to be a fat, miserable old-maid hermit!!
*fingers are still crossed*
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