The Last Beginning

My name is Chandra. I am a 30 year old woman who has had it with being overweight! I have struggled with my weight basically since puberty.. and boy, did it hit hard!

I started high school at a slim and fabulous 120 pounds. Yes, I was only 13 years old, but I remember even at such a young age that I thought I was fat. I signed up for every club and sport that I could possible do in hopes of not gaining weight. But, despite my four years of cheerleading, swimming, diving, and marching band, and trying every diet fad that came my way, I still gained approximately 15 to 20 pounds each year. When I graduated high school, I weighed in at 180 pounds. That's when I started weight watchers.

Doing Weight Watchers and starting the "college life" did not go hand-in-hand. College life was kicking my ass. We have all heard of the "freshman 15".. yep, you guessed it.. I experienced it. It was just so difficult going to school and trying to work at the same time. It didn't help that I took a million college classes. I was a musical theatre and art major. I took every dance class that I was able to register for. And I was good too! But, alas, even all the dance classes and even the occasional exercise class didn't keep me from gaining weight. It was ridiculous!

And what made it worse, was that my sister is so fucking skinny! (I guess I should warn you that I talk like a sailor.. and I will most likely have the occasional 4-letter word come out.. beware, and I'm sorry in advance). My sister is a size 2!! She has always been skinny. I love her of course, and it's not like she rubs it in or anything, because she doens't at all, but just seeing her sometimes makes me want to take a knife and cut off my own ass. As of today, my sister, the mother of 5, yes FIVE, children is a size 2 and weighs in at 110 pounds, with 6-pack abs and Madonna arms. She also has been married for 7 years. She always had a boyfriend or some boy drooling over her. She went to almost every high school dance and she eats candy for breakfast! It is SO NOT FAIR!!

Anyway, the only weight loss program that I have actually lost and have maintained my weight loss is Lindora. And, it just so happens, I now work for them. Now, when I lost weight with Jenny Craig, I was working for them as well. It was easy when I heard the same motivational babble coming out of my own mouth for 40 hours a week, and the food was at a discount, and I wasn't going to school, so it was no problem going to the gym every day. So, yeah, I lost weight. I started Jenny Craig in January of '04 and weighed in at 215 pounds. The weight came right off! I got into writing every little bit and sip that I took down on paper. I even found myself going to the gym 10 times a week!! Yeah, I know.. it was insane, but I remember loving it and being super addicted to working out. And by Halloween, I had lost 35 pounds. The only problem that I experienced is that when I decided to go back to school in October of '04, I quit Jenny Craig to focus on school full-time.. and well, the 35 pounds I lost with Jenny Craig, came right back on, with 25 extra pounds.. in October of '04, I weighed 180 pounds, the lowest I have weighed since graduating high school. And, believe-it-or-not, I looked GREAT!! However, by the time I graduated from the Art Institute in June of '07, no longer having the Jenny Craig meals, or the time to cook or go to the gym, I was at my ALL TIME HIGHEST weight, a horrific 250 pounds!!! I just couldn't believe my eyes that one jaw-dropping morning when I stepped on the scale. I don't remember how I let myself get that big. I mean, I didn't feel or look like I was practically a quarter of a ton (Holy Shit.. that sounds even worse when putting it like that).. I was still getting flirted and hit on by men, well, a few men anyway.

A few months after I graduated, I was hired by Lindora to be their in-house graphic designer. I was also, simultaneously, working nights as a cocktail waitress at the Marriott Hotel. It took me a few months to get out of "Jenny Craig is the only diet that works" mentality, but I realized that I needed to at least try Lindora before knocking it.. and I did! January of '08, I signed up for the 10-week program at the nearest Lindora clinic, with a starting weight of 241 pounds. And in 10-weeks, lo and behold, I had lost approximately 20 pounds. After the first series, I figured that I was a pro and decided to lose the rest primarily on my own. I mean, I didn't need to rely on any frozen dinners or shakes. I ate real food that I had to cook and measure myself on Lindora. I figured I didn't need to go into the clinic anymore, I had all the knowledge I needed to lose the rest of the weight, and I was a super busy girl with two full-time jobs.. going into the clinic 5 days a week was REALLY tough for me.. Anyway, I kept those initial 20 pounds off, and in the following two years, I quit my job at the hotel, got some much-needed sleep, and bull-shitted my way up and down the scale, actually lost another 20 pounds by my 30th birthday.

My 30th birthday was a crucial deadline in my mind. I mean, it doesn't get easier the older a person gets. We all know this. I mean, granted, I was hoping to reach that one special number of 180 pounds again, but eventually, I'd get there. My whole motivational motto is "Thin Thirties!" I spent my entire 20's being overweight, hiding my big butt and thunder thighs as best as can be, but I was NOT going to spend my thirties making the same mistakes, the same decisions that got me to this fat physique. The only great thing I felt about being overweight is that my boobs are ENORMOUS!! Shoot-if I didn't have big boobs, I probably would still be a virgin, hiding in the back corner of church 24 hours a day (and that is a whole other subject and can of worms that needs it's own blog one day).

So, after my 30th birthday, I found myself going out like crazy and partying it up (well, in a more mature and sophisticated manner, of course) because in my mind, I was doing great and this whole losing weight and keeping it off was no problem. Well, I was an idiot to think that. My birthday is in November, and I had the notorious holidays to face.. and I basically ate right through them. By February 2010, I was back up to 215 pounds.

"Damn, damn, double damn!!"

So, I went back to the clinic, because I pretty much had to face the music that I can't do it by myself. I went to the clinic and slowly and pain-stakingly lost a meager 14 pounds, which brought me back down to 201 pounds by May 2010. Okay, I can do this.. I told myself that I will break the 200 pounds barrier. However, I was an idiot once again, and let work and life and stress keep me from going back into the clinic. I knew it too. My nurses called me and called me and I just ignored them, because I figured I could lose the rest on my own, I only needed that little kick start to get me going. Wrong again!

In three months time, I have gained back my weight. I kept telling myself that I can lose the weight on my own. I just need to go to the gym. But, day after day, week after week, I got busier and busier, stressed and more stressed, and gained more and more weight.

So, here I am, it's a mere two months before my 31st birthday, I weigh 224 pounds and I feel miserable! It was today, crying in the office bathroom, struggling to zip my pants back up, that I decided that I just can't do this anymore! I feel and look so big and bloated. I am squishing my fat ass and gigantic boobs into my clothes, covering it all up with cardigans and sweaters... and it's 90 degrees outside!?!?! I am still single, having not had a decent date in months. I signed up for an online dating website, and realized that all my pictures are from the boobs up. I can't remember the last time I took a full body, head-to-toe picture. Ugh!! I don't want to be overweight anymore. I don't want to be the unmarried sister anymore! I don't want to be the fat sister anymore!! I am SO SICK of hearing the phrase "gee, you're so pretty, if only..." I mean, why? Why can't I just get my ass out of bed in the morning and exercise? Why do I always succumb to fast food and fattening foods? Why do I drink 6 beers instead of just the one? I don't want to die a lonely, fat lady who only has a cat to keep her company! I'm done! I have reached the end of my rope!

And, this is why I am starting this blog. I am going to document my LAST AND FINAL weight loss journey! I AM going to lose the weight, and I AM going to keep it off this time.. PERMANENTLY!!

I suppose I need to give myself a deadline of some sort.. So, how about one year from now.. say, my 32nd birthday. I will write everything that I do and experience and feel in the next 14 months. I will do my best to update and post every day, or every other day. I want to do this. I want to share my story with everyone and anyone who is willing to listen, er, read it. I know there are hundreds of thousands of people in my shoes, experiencing the exact same emotions and struggles that I am. And, hopefully, sharing my "triumphs, trials and tribulations" perhaps I can inspire and motivate other people to take the same first step that I am about to take.. the LAST BEGINNING of a diet, of losing the weight.

Alright, here I go...